Righty Mr. Shorts....your go.

('pass' 'no comment' and 'it wasn't me it was the donkey' are not acceptable answers)

1. You can have any Leeds player, past or present, dead or alive. Pick your all time starting XI and 5 subs....
All must be in their preferred positions (for example, you can't have Lucas Radebe in goal......)

Blimey Kirst, you like to start with a hard one….. So, here goes:

Keeper: David Harvey. I always thought he was really good (apart from penalties) and if The Don hadn’t been so loyal to Gary Sprake we might have won a bit more. Oh, and he sported a great mowser on occasion!

Right back: Mel Sterland. I know I should probably go for one of the old mob but I used to love shouting ‘Zico’ every time he waddled his fat a*se toward a free kick. Invariably he’d miss but no one seemed to mind.

Left back: Terry Cooper. How anyone could say Leeds were boring with Super Cooper overlapping past Eddie I’ll never know. I only ever saw him play a couple of times (being a young lad and all that) but I just have this recollection of him being quality.

Centre half: Jonathan Woodgate. Some may disagree, especially the old codgers amongst us, but I’d say that Woodgate is probably the best player in his position I’ve seen at Leeds. Made Plug look good which was sometimes easier said than done!

Centre half: Lucas Radebe. Couldn’t understand a f*cking word he said but I knew he could read the game. Well timed interception after well timed interception – top man.

Right midfield: Gordon Strachan. Catalyst for our promotion under Sgt Wilko – human dynamo with a penchant for sea weed… A right whingeing b*stard though!

Left midfield: Eddie Gray. Quality. Nuff said.

Holding midfield: Billy Bremner. To call him a holding midfield player is probably wrong – he could do anything. The line “For the sake of Leeds Utd he would break himself in two” says it all really.

Midfield play maker: Tony Currie. My favouritest Leeds player of all time! The goal he scored against Southampton is still my favourite ever goal – I practised that bending shot night after night in the back field. Never mind your Hoddle’s and your Gascoigne’s – TC was the one.

Forward: Alan Clarke. Had to be. I loved his one arm salute – he knew he was good and was as arrogant on the pitch as anyone. Seemed to live for scoring goals – some of our current players could learn a thing or two from him….

Forward: Mark Viduka. On his day is unstoppable. The number of goals he’d get and set up in this team would be phenomenal. And he makes me feel good about my middle aged spread!

Subs:

Paul Robinson. Mrs Boots thinks he’s got a nice a*se and I can’t disagree
Paul Madeley. Like having five subs in one. Crap TV adverts for his furniture business though…
Norman Hunter. I’d have him covering defence and midfield. Mean b*stard, every team needs one.
Brian Flynn. Loved his partnership with TC. Good last minute goal against the Scum too
Ray Hankin. Who else? Is it an urban myth he jumped into The Kop to celebrate a goal and crushed 19 people to death???

There you go, I’ve probably lost half my audience already – sorry for the reminiscing….

2. Tell us about your first kiss....who she (he/it) was, where and when.

Might surprise some of you to hear it was actually a young lady! Her name was Catherine Skelton and she lived in the posh houses near our estate. I’d have been about 9 or 10 and we used to ‘play out’ together on most nights. We were having a bundle in the field and the next thing I knew we were kissing – a nice chin rubbing kiss like on telly, no tongues though…

3. What has been your most memorable moment watching Leeds and why?

A tricky question, so many choices. I’d have to say being in Bournemouth (no ticket obviously) for our promotion. I’d been a season ticket holder for most of the 80’s and to see us finally get out of the 2nd Division meant so much to me and others too. I still say to this day that the ‘riot’ was over played and overshadowed a fantastic achievement by Wilko and Strachan.

4. If you could take 5 people (dead or alive) and 5 objects to a desert island, who and what would they be and why?

Sh*t Kirst, 10 questions with you are like 50 normal ones! Typical woman.

Paul Weller. I’d spend the first ten minutes slagging him off for breaking up The Jam and then I’d sit in awe of his talent for the rest of the evening.

Sid James. One of the funniest men ever to have lived and yet, even in his movies, strangely sad. I’d love to try and get inside his head to see what secrets he had hidden away.

Carl Jung. This might sound a bit weird but I’m really interested in self analysis and analysis of other people’s behaviour. Jung’s work was more about how the scientific mind worked alongside the more spiritual side of a person’s mind – how the unconscious can define what a person is and does. See, a bit weird….

Rocky Marciano. I love boxing and the state of the fight game today leaves me a little cold. Being able to speak with this guy would be a dream – questioning him on his fights, how he prepared for them, what made him so single minded, who hit him the hardest, best punch he’d every thrown… I’d bore him to tears but I’d love it.

Rita Hayworth. This would have to be the 1940’s version of course. Absolutely stunning, moved with such grace – perfection.

5 objects:

A TV linked up to all the Sports channels – sad I know but it’s my choice!

Some form of music player with all my favourite songs on it. I believe there’s a new fangled thing called the eye-pod or some such nonsense?

A never ending supply of Noxzema shaving gel, good blades, and a decent aftershave balm. I hate beards – too itchy and Rita has sensitive thighs…

The largest, most detailed map book I could find – I’m a saddo when it comes to maps, I can study them for ages. Need help with a geography question on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ – I’m your man.

A cookbook – 101 things to do with fish. I love cooking but would get bored with grilled fish every day. I’d be able to rustle up some lovely grub to win Rita’s heart with…

5. You can change one moment in history, what would it be?

Hitler’s conception. It’s amazing how weak willed the human race is that a majority can be taken in by such a deeply disturbed individual.

6. You have £100million. What do you do with it????

First I’d make sure my family were sorted – house bought for them etc. Then I’d invest a good sum of it in Leeds Utd on the quiet – try and build us back up into a major player again. I’d also have to set up some form of scholarship to support less privileged kids in getting the education they should have by rights. Finally, I’d buy a big yacht and sleep with as many fit birds as I could.

7. Who has had the biggest influence on your life and why?

Easy one this – a teacher at my middle school (RM Grylls) called Miss Brooke. Our estate basically had one rule – you went to school, left at 15 or 16, tried to get a job or went on the dole. From about 11 onwards Miss Brooke used to give me detention every day and during that detention she’d constantly whine on at me that I had half a brain and that I could go to University. Meant nothing to me at the time – apart from I used to fantasise about her and me in the store cupboard – but I reckon the constant barrage left a subliminal message in my head!

8. What did you want to be when you grew up (physically, I meant....mentally is pushing it a wee bit)

Glad you defined the physical part…

In my heart I wanted to be a rock star – having thousands of people eating out of my hand at every live performance.

In reality I wanted to be a lorry driver as that’s what my old man did when I was a lad.

9. Cos I'm nice I've built you a time travelling machine (not to be confused with the tardis....oh no - this is much cooler) - where would you set the dial to?

Would have to be Ancient Greece. Just appears they were so far ahead of their time – highly cultured yet peaceful; driven to be self sufficient but still able to immerse themselves in the good things in life. Seems to me they had the right balance between socialism and capitalism – forced equality or free enterprise. And they had some f*cking good toga parties to I’ll bet.

10. Tell us 5 things that none of us (thought, but never said) knew about you.....

Yes, I’ve done the banjo string. Got my girlfriend of the time to get my mates wife to have a look at it – she was a nurse, it wasn’t a sexual thing. Popped again on the next occasion – too eager as usual.

I’m very proud of my background and upbringing and get annoyed with myself if I ever think I’ve not been true to them.

This is a bit embarrassing but I’m a bit of a cry baby – when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m fair to middling. Get it from my old dear I think – she was always bawling her head off at Lassie films and crap like that.

I’m a commitment phobe – I seem to stumble from one long term relationship to another! I know more ladies get the pleasure of being with me but I’m getting on a bit now…..

I’m a very loyal person and would hate to think that someone who I classed as a friend thought I’d let him or her down in some way.


There you go – far too long probably but the idea is to tell people about yourself isn’t it???

A very good read, if not a XXX as I thought it would be.

Top answers Mr Shorts, now about No 9........I think the ancient Greeks were the first to take it up the Cadbury Canal, no wonder you're in a rush to get back.

:lolanimate: for clarity, after all, we have showered and jaccuzzied together.

Was this before or after your "curious" phase.

Unexpected answers, Mr Shorts. You lost me after Mel Sterland though...... :lolanimate:

Ancient Greeks, peace? They had more barneys than Betty Rubble's nympho sisters.......

Great questions and answers, well done both.

Very alike me and our kid. I never knew the banjo injury was so common though!

very good q's and q's well done to all - or both of ye - involved.

good answers there shorts........though as rich says, the banjo string situation seems to be very comman...........wonder what i'm doing/did wrong????

Its amazing with this Q/A session, you think right this will be a larf, then you find yoursen being quite deep and completey honest about things you thought you could never speak of....

Suberb answers mate.... Oh and a little mention to MDF, not curious but. :lolanimate:

Plenty of hand massaging has helped you.

:mask:

Hello all.

Sorry for not replying - am on a well deserved holiday.

Will post my questions when I get back (w/c 7th May).

By the way, I would answer any of these questions the same way face to face - just we never get away from Leeds or bottom burps!!! Which is nice...

Intersting answers Paul, although now I have the mental image of you going Greek with a snapped banjo string :lolanimate:

I have forwarded on my questions to the relevant person.

Sorry again for the delay.

no worries i have just noticed that my inbox ain't red so no probs at all with delay asi don't have to reveal my dark hidden secrets yet.