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Title: "Ever Angel" story
Description: original yaoi-ish story (Yaoi warning)


NatakuXeden - June 9, 2006 12:56 AM (GMT)
ok, this is three parts long. parts one and two are finished, and part three is... being worked on. (yeah, riiiight! i'm lazy!)
There is a warning on the description for this story because it has hints of yaoi. (yaoi, for those who don't know, is a male/male love paring, though this story doesn't go too in depth.)
read at your own risk! (i like my ideas, but the nit-picks of my style need work, and i know it.)
COMMENT WELCOME!!! Enjoy!
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Trivial’s blue eyes stared in shock at the landscape. Bodies burned in piles and the smell made him sick. Just when the sight and the smell were too much to bear, he woke up.
The same dream, again…” Trivial sighed, pounding the alarm clock until it was quiet. School started in an hour, so he got up and began to get ready.
Walking to the bus, Trivial could not help but feel like he was being watched. Finally the bus pulled to the curb and he got on, hoping that the feeling did not follow him.
At school Trivial walked past couples kissing in the hallways. He frowned, despising them because they had each other. Friends gossiped, lover kissed, and Trivial walked by ignoring it all. In the classroom, Trivial set his books on the desk and sat down. The other students talked quietly until the teacher, Mr. Smithson, came in, then everything was silent.
“Good morning, class,” Mr. Smithson said in his monotone voice. “I’d like to introduce a new student to the class today,” the teacher continued. “His name is Yuki Moriyama, and his family has just moved here from Japan. Yuki, you can come in now.”
There was silence as the boy walked into the classroom. With his shoulder length white hair and red eyes, Yuki defiantly did not look Japanese. The boy, Yuki, bowed to the class and Trivial raised a brow. He’d been to Japan himself before, it was his father’s birthplace. The plain fact was, however, that Yuki, despite his Japanese name was nothing like a person from Japan.
“You’re really from Japan?” a girl in the front row asked.
Yuki blushed, his pale face turning a light pink.
“Well, are you?” the girl persisted. “Your hair’s bleach white and your eyes are red. You don’t look Japanese at all.”
Yuki nodded. “I know, my hair and eyes are different. It’s because ‘m albino.”
Trivial rolled his eyes. “Aren’t you special,” he muttered.
“Okay, class, it’s time to start. Yuki, you can take the empty seat next to Trivial,” the teacher said, pointing.
Yuki walked to Trivial’s desk and took the chair next to him.
Trivial had expected Yuki to be the talkative type, perhaps the kind of person that would not shut up. Yuki, however, was quiet and only smiled when Trivial gave him an awkward look.
When the bell rang, Yuki gathered his books and left. Trivial stayed for moments afterward, though, thoroughly confused. Yuki defiantly did not look Japanese and he defiantly acted strange. But perhaps Trivial was only imagining things.
The minute bell rang loudly. Trivial snapped out of his trance and ran to his next class.
When Trivial walked into his class he stood in shock when he saw Yuki. Finally, he shook his head, trying to rid himself of his previous suspicions. Why did Yuki seem to bother him so much? Why was he so nervous whenever Yuki was near him?
Trivial finally moved to his seat, which was right behind Yuki’s. He leaned back in his chair. Why did Yuki give him such an odd feeling? He felt like he had known Yuki sometime before, a time long ago perhaps. Instead of taking his usual second hour nap, Trivial decided to observe Yuki a bit more. Trivial’s deep blue eyes followed every move Yuki made.
Finally the bell rang. It was time for gym. When Trivial walked into the boy’s locker room to change he was again surprised to see Yuki. Trivial arched an eyebrow. Something was wrong. This was high school, and in a school as big as theirs the chances of Yuki having the exact same schedule as him were slim to none.
Trivial shook his head, trying to dismiss the thoughts that plagued his mind. He noticed no one else was in the locker room. It was just Yuki and himself. Trivial thought that that fact itself was odd. He tried to get the thoughts out of his head, but they lingered in the back of his mind as he changed into his gym clothes. When he went to exit the locker room, he found that the door was locked. He pulled at it, thinking perhaps it may have been stuck. The door did not budge. Trivial groaned in frustration. Being late to gym class was not on his agenda, and the teacher would not approve of it at all.
Suddenly the lights began to flicker and dim. The room became freezing cold. Not the kind of cold that was just a sudden chill, it was that kind of cold where it seemed to freeze your bones. Trivial then noticed the eerie silence. Nothing but the looming rows of lockers. Where was Yuki? He was debating about whether or not to call Yuki’s name when a voice seemed to echo in his head.
“Trivial…” the voice whispered.
Trivial’s eyes widened. Where was that voice coming from? It could not be in his head that was crazy!
“Trivial…” the voice echoed again, but it was getting louder. And yes, it was in his head!
Suddenly Trivial felt something cold touch his arm. He quickly turned to see Yuki.
“Yuki? What’s going on?”
Yuki smiled. His smile, however, was not the same smile as before. It was sinister, revealing pointed canines.
Trivial took a step back, bumping into the wall. He was trapped with the wall behind him and Yuki in front.
“What do you want, Yuki?” Trivial asked, trying to keep the rising fear he felt from making his voice shake.
Yuki defiantly wasn’t human. The sharp fangs, the claws that tipped his fingers, and the pointed ears told Trivial that.
Yuki locked eyes with Trivial. Their stare lasted for a long while. Then finally, Yuki spoke.
“What do I want? I want you, Trivial. You see, you are the reincarnation of a demon’s spirit. But not just any demon’s spirit, Trivial, you are the reincarnation of my partner. I’ve looked long and hard for you, and I’m not going to loose you now.”
Yuki stepped closer. Trivial’s breathing quickened. What should he do? Yuki was right in front of him and the wall was blocking any escape. There was nowhere to run.
Yuki stepped even closer, pushing Trivial against the wall.
Trivial was pinned between Yuki and the wall with no way out. He was unsure what Yuki would do next. Perhaps that is what scared him the most. This boy’s hot red eyes were so unpredictable.
Yuki smiled that evil, sinister smile once more, then did something Trivial never would have predicted. Yuki forced his lips on Trivial’s. Trivial’s eyes widened in shock. What the hell was Yuki doing! Suddenly Trivial felt a throbbing pain in his head. His vision blurred and he could not fight back. He was at Yuki’s mercy, pinned against the wall.
Trivial tried to fight Yuki’s hold on his mind, but it did nothing. His vision began to darken. The last thing he remembered before he blacked out was the heat of Yuki’s body so close to his own and Yuki’s tongue in his mouth.

Trivial’s blue eyes stared in shock at the landscape. Bodies burned in piles and the smell made him sick. Just when the sight and the smell were too much to bear, he woke up.

When Trivial opened his eyes he had no memory of what had happened. He looked around, perhaps for a clue as to where he was. The bedroom was painted black and almost everything in it matched the same monotone color.
Trivial sat up, realizing he was lying on a bed. He put a hand to his forehead, checking for a fever. His temperature was normal, but perhaps he was still dreaming. Where was he?
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Before Trivial could answer, it opened.
Trivial stared in shock when he saw Yuki who was standing in the doorway. His memory came back to him in a rush. He stared at Yuki, unsure what it was that the mysterious creature wanted.
Yuki smiled, it was an innocent grin. Trivial glared at him, not fooled by such a fake smile. Yuki moved toward Trivial, who was doing all in his power to stay put with his never leaving Yuki’s.
Yuki stood a few feet from Trivial, calmly looking into his blue eyes. “You’ve had odd dreams lately, haven’t you?” Yuki asked quietly as he moved to look out the window. Trivial realized that it was growing dark, and the last rays of the sun were disappearing below the horizon.
“Yes,” Trivial answered at last. He still did not have a clue as to what Yuki’s intentions were. However, in the blissful evening with the ecstasy of the night air flowing in through the open window, Trivial felt at ease. Maybe he could make an attempt to trust Yuki, instead of being on his guard so much.
“What are your dreams about?” Yuki asked, staring out at the sunset.
“I don’t really know. It’s like a vision. I’m standing in a wasteland and bodies are burning all around. I’m the only one left alive. The smell is horrible and the things I see in the dream seem to be like memories, like it all happened before.”
Yuki nodded, still gazing at the last rays of dying light. “You’re dreams are your memories…” Yuki explained. “They aren’t just dreams, they’re your memories of the past.”
Yuki got up and walked to Trivial’s side. “I know a lot about you, Trivial. I know about your human life and the life you lived before it. You’re welcome to stay here,” Yuki paused. Then after a long silence, he continued. “I hope you accept the offer…”
Yuki turned and walked out without another word, closing the door behind him.
Trivial stared after Yuki until he heard his footsteps quiet and finally fade into silence. Then he collapsed back on the bed. Yuki had said he knew of Trivial’s human life. Did that mean he knew about his parent’s accident the year before? He must have, otherwise, he probably would not have felt inclined to make the offer. Trivial sighed. Should he take Yuki up on the offer? After all, he was sick of being alone. It was hard, even though he’d never had many friends. He’d thought he’d get used to being alone when his parents had died, but he could never get used to that feeling. He felt unwanted by the world. Yuki, however, was different from the world he knew as a human. Yuki was different entirely. He did not hate Trivial like so many others did without a reason. Instead, Yuki had offered him hope at a new life, one he’d wanted for a long, long time. A new life, with someone who cared about him. There was just something about Yuki that drew Trivial in. perhaps it wasn’t a bad idea to get to know Yuki better. After all, everyone deserved a chance, right? Trivial smiled. He’d made up his mind on the matter. Finally he got up and went to find Yuki.
Trivial walked down the narrow hallway to the kitchen. He’d looked all over the house, but there was no sign of Yuki anywhere. He was about to give up hope, when a note on the counter caught his eye.
“Trivial, I went for a walk to think some things through. I hope that you take time to think about my offer. Thank you, Yuki,” Trivial read the letter aloud. He sighed, but decided to wait for Yuki to return. Finally, after a while of waiting, Trivial began to explore the house. It was okay, wasn’t it? After all, he’d be living there now, right?
Trivial walked down another hall of the kitchen. At the end of the hall there was a door. Trivial opened it without thinking. He was instantly greeted by the smell of burning incense. Candles were lit in various places around the room, giving it a sense of awe. The smell of the room was calming and Trivial began to relax. He walked over and sat on the black sheets that covered the soft bed in the middle of the room. Suddenly he noticed a necklace set on the nightstand next to the bed. He picked it up delicately and watched the pendant sway gently. He stared in wonder at the amulet. It was a deep bed color and it looked like a single perfect droplet of liquid. Perhaps a stone of blood?
“Trivial, what are you doing?”
Trivial jumped at hearing Yuki’s voice. He was so startled that he almost dropped the necklace.
Yuki’s eyes widened when he saw the necklace as Trivial caught it. “Trivial, give that to me,” he commanded.
Trivial handed the necklace to Yuki.
“What is it?” Trivial asked, still curious about the odd stone.
Yuki sighed. “Trivial, this necklace is very important to me. It’s made of my blood, and if it breaks, I will die.”
Trivial didn’t know how to react. He’d held it so carelessly and one wrong move could have cost Yuki his life.
“Trivial,” Yuki said, interrupting Trivial’s thoughts. “This necklace is important because of that, and because it was you who made it, in your past life.”
Trivial stared at Yuki, trying to make sense of his words.
Yuki moved closer to Trivial. Once again, Trivial felt the heat of Yuki’s body so close to his own. This time however, things were different. That day in the locker room seemed like an old memory and now Trivial found himself longing for the sensation of Yuki’s lips on his own.
As if cued by Trivial’s thoughts, Yuki pulled Trivial closer to him.
“Yuki…” Trivial blurted, before he realized he had open his mouth.
“Yes?” Yuki said quietly, leaning even closer.
“Why are you doing this?” Trivial asked. The question had been on his mind for some time now, but he’d never felt the urge to ask. Was Yuki just playing with him? Or was Yuki really serious?
Yuki leaned forward. “I’m doing this because I love you, Trivial,” he whispered in Trivial’s ear.
Trivial’s eyes widened. He had thought Yuki was only playing, that Yuki was just using him somehow. Hearing those words, however, triggered a new feeling in Trivial. It was something he’d never felt before. He wasn’t as sure of it as he would have liked to be, but Trivial was almost confident that he loved Yuki, too.
Trivial was so caught up in his thoughts, that when Yuki pushed him down on the bed, he gasped in surprise.
“What are you thinking about, Trivial?” Yuki whispered, a mischievous gleam in his red eyes.
Trivial smiled. “Love is an odd thing, isn’t it?” he sighed.
“Yuki smiled slightly. “It is…”
Yuki seemed to be hesitating to go any farther after Trivial’s last comment. For some reason, it hurt Trivial to see Yuki hesitate. After a moment longer, Trivial could not take it anymore. He pulled Yuki down onto him and forced their lips to meet.
Yuki was surprised. He hadn’t expected Trivial to be so hasty.
Trivial’s tongue was hot in Yuki’s mouth and his chest was warm against Yuki’s own.
Trivial pulled Yuki down more, and now their chests were pressing tightly against each other’s.
Yuki was memorized by the sensation. He wished it never end. He’d waited 200 years to be reunited with Trivial, and now he would never loose his again.
“You’re still holding back a bit,” Trivial commented.
Yuki stared into Trivial’s deep blue eyes, rivaling them with his own hot red stare.
Finally, Yuki smiled. Then he let go of al remorse and let his affections for Trivial soar.

In the morning, Trivial rolled over hoping to see Yuki. His heart sank when he realized that Yuki was gone. He sat up trying to imagine where Yuki could be. Finally, with nothing else to do, Trivial got out of bed and walked through the house. He was in the hallway walking towards the living room when an eerie feeling swept over him.
“Yuki?” Trivial said quietly. He was surprised to hear how shaky his voice sounded.
It was then that Trivial smelled it. It was a smell that made him cringe. He’d smelled it so many times before in his dreams. However, smelling it now, when he knew it was real, made his stomach churn.
“Yuki,” Trivial called again. This time his voice was filled with worry.
Just like before, there was no answer. Trivial was sickened with worry now as he ran towards the smell. As he entered the living room, his eyes widened in horror.
“Yuki!” Trivial shouted when he saw Yuki lying on the floor.
Yuki was lying in a pool of blood and from the wounds on his body Trivial knew it was his own. Yuki’s eyes were closed and his breathing was harsh. The bleeding was stopping now, but he’d lost a lot of blood nonetheless.
Trivial kneeled down at Yuki’s side. “Yuki?” he whispered quietly, hoping, praying that Yuki would answer.
Yuki’s eyes flickered open. They took a moment to focus, but when they did Trivial winced. Yuki’s eyes were not their normal deep red; instead, they were a lighter shade, almost pink.
“Trivial…” Yuki whispered, but before he could continue, he choked and hot blood drizzled from the corners of his mouth.
Trivial’s thoughts raced. He had to get Yuki help. Call an ambulance? Where was the phone?
Suddenly Trivial’s thoughts were interrupted by a menacing laugh.
Trivial stood and turned around, coming face to face with a man, taller than himself and more muscular, too.
“Who are you?” Trivial snapped, making sure to stay between the intruder and Yuki.
“My name is Ramel, and you must be Trivial,” the stranger said smiling.
“What did you do to Yuki?” Trivial said in a low, angry tone.
“I did what I’m supposed to do, now stand aside and let me finish the job.”
“What are you talking about?” Trivial shouted, loosing his temper.
The stranger laughed. “Trivial, I’m only doing my job. As an angel, my job is to eliminate the evils of this world. The demon behind you must be exterminated.”
Trivial drew in a quick breath. Demons? Angels? Only a few days ago Trivial had been in school worrying only about what to study for his next test. Now, however, he was caught in a web of good and evil that he was only now beginning to grasp.
“Don’t you dare come near Yuki,” Trivial said glaring angrily at the angel.
The angel laughed. “What are you going to do to stop me? You’re only a human!”
Trivial knew that the angel was right. There was nothing he could do to protect Yuki. A feeling of helplessness rushed through him, but he refused to stand down.
“I’ll do anything I can to save Yuki…” Trivial whispered hoarsely.
“You care about him that much?” the angel laughed. “Tell me, would you risk your life for him?”
Trivial smiled. He didn’t even need to think about the answer to that question. “Yes, I would.”
The angel smirked. “And would you die for him?”
Trivial nodded.
The angel glared at Trivial. “You love him that much?”
Trivial nodded.
The angel laughed. “You’re pathetic! I’ll make sure to kill you slowly… but first, I’ll kill him while you watch!”
The angel disappeared, reappearing next to Yuki.
Trivial turned just in time to see Ramel pick Yuki up by the neck and begin to slowly suffocate him.
“Stop it!” Trivial shouted, lunging at Ramel with his clenched fist.
Ramel stepped to the side and with his free hand caught Trivial’s fist. Trivial winced in pain as the angel’s grasp on his hand tightened. He could hear some of the bones cracking and it gave him a sinking feeling.
Ramel dropped Yuki to the floor and leaned closer to Trivial. “I am an elite being of heaven, you can not harm me,” he said as he tightened his grip on Trivial’s hand even more.
Trivial clenched his teeth in pain as the angel slammed a knee into his stomach. He collapsed on the floor in pain. His eyes blurred and dizziness overwhelmed his mind. It seemed like the room was in a whirl. Trivial had experienced this feeling before, when Yuki held him under the pressure of his mind. The angel was using the same trick. Trivial tried to focus, but the feeling only got worse. It was hard to breath and pain seemed to fill every part of his body. One thing was clear to Trivial, however. If he passed out, the angel would kill them both. Realizing that, Trivial fought to stay conscious. His head was throbbing with pain and it would have been so easy to let go and fall into darkness, but what about Yuki?
Suddenly the angel let go of Trivial’s hand. He could feel the broken bones shift out of place as Ramel released him. Trivial then noticed that the angel’s mental hold on his mind was slowly fading. What was going on?
The horrific answer to that question came when Ramel again stepped toward Yuki. A smile spread across the angel’s face when he looked down at his victim.
Trivial stared at Yuki’s motionless form, unable to move. His eyes narrowed on the deep wounds in Yuki’s body and the rivers of blood draining from them.
Suddenly Yuki coughed, spitting up more blood. The sickening sound of Yuki choking on his own blood made Trivial’s stomach churn. Cold sweat dripped down his brow and he was unable to move.
Ramel stood looking down at Yuki as his blood drained out of him. A slight smile spread on his face as he watched Yuki slowly die.
Finally, Trivial snapped. Without thinking he opened his mouth and the words poured out. “What are you doing? He’s dying! Do you enjoy watching him suffer?”
Ramel turned and looked down at Trivial and smiled. “Do I enjoy watching him suffer?” the angel repeated then his smiled grew. “Yes, I enjoy every moment of it…”
Trivial swallowed hard and then met Ramel’s golden eyes with his own. “You’re sick…”
Ramel kneeled down in front of Trivial so that their eyes were level. “Am I a monster to you, Trivial?”
Trivial only glared at the angel. Suddenly, without any warning at all, Rameal moved closer to Trivial and forced their lips to meet. Trivial’s eyes widened in horror as Ramel forced him down onto the floor and began to unbutton his shirt. Trivial tried to shove the angel off of him, but with the bones in his right hand shattered and Ramel pressing his left hand down against the carpet, it was impossible.
Trivial shut his eyes tightly; waiting helplessly for the angel to do whatever it was that he was going to do. He felt Ramel’s teeth pinch the soft skin of his neck and he shuttered. What did the angel have in mind?
Suddenly Trivial felt something hot dripping onto his chest. He opened his eyes and found himself staring into Ramel’s. The angel’s eyes were wide and filled with fear or pain. Trivial glanced down and was amaze when he realized what had caused Ramel to stop so suddenly.
The angel’s hot blood dripped down and splattered on Trivial’s chest, first in large drops and then it poured like a river. Trivial stared into Ramel’s eyes as they glazed over. Not even an angel could survive a direct blow through the heart.
Trivial pushed the angel’s lifeless body off of him and struggled to stand. Yuki smiled slightly as he leaned against the sword that was dripping with the angel’s blood.
“Yuki!” Trivial exclaimed. “You’re alive!”
Yuki smiled, though his eyes still held pain. “Trivial…” he whispered hoarsely as he collapsed.
Trivial ran to Yuki’s side and caught him just before he hit the floor. Yuki’s clothes were stained with his blood, but when he held him Trivial could feel that the bleeding had not yet stopped.
“Trivial…” Yuki whispered as his eyes blurred.
“Yuki… I’m so sorry…” Trivial said as hot tears streamed down his face.
Yuki smiled and looked up into Trivial’s deep blue eyes. “Don’t be… I’m happy I finally found you, Trivial…” he whispered as his eyes began to shut.
Trivial held Yuki close to him. Why was it that everyone he loved had to get hurt? “Yuki, please don’t leave me alone… I love you, no matter what you are…”
Then something occurred to Trivial. Yuki was a demon. What if Trivial gave Yuki some of his blood? Would it be enough to save him?
Trivial smiled. “Hold on, Yuki…” he said as he reached for the sword.
Taking the sword in his left hand, Trivial slashed open his right wrist. Hot blood trickled down his arm as he held it up to Yuki’s mouth.
“Yuki, drink it…” Trivial commanded as he let his blood flow down Yuki’s throat. Finally, after long moments of waiting, Yuki swallowed. His eyes opened and his pupils dilated as his fangs grew out and sliced into Trivial’s arm.
Moments passed like hours to Trivial as Yuki fed. Soon he became dizzy with blood loss, but he forced himself to stay conscious as Yuki continued.
As Yuki fed the blood loss over took Trivial and his vision blurred and grew dark. No matter how hard he tried to fight it, it continued to take over. Finally Trivial could fight it no longer and he fell into blissful unconsciousness.

When Trivial awoke, his first thought was of Yuki. Then he noticed that he was lying in bed. A soft noise from beside him made him turn. There, lying next to him was Yuki. His eyes were closed, but he looked content as he lay on the bed.
Suddenly Yuki’s eyes slowly opened and he glanced at Trivial.
Trivial smiled, happy to see Yuki was well.
“Trivial…” Yuki said quietly, but before he could finish Trivial pressed a finger to his lips.
“Save it…” Trivial whispered.
Their lips met and Trivial pulled Yuki down onto him. Yuki’s silky white hair brushed against Trivial’s face.
Trivial smiled. It was so good to have Yuki’s body warm against his own again.
Their kisses quickly went from sweet and passionate to fiery and affectionate. Trivial rejoiced in the hot sensation of Yuki’s tongue in his mouth and his bare
hot body pressing tightly against him.
“I’ll never let you go…” Trivial whispered between their steaming kisses.
Yuki smiled. “Is that really what you want?”
Trivial didn’t have to think about the answer. “Yes… you are mine and I am yours… forever.”
Yuki’s smile grew as he looked deeper into Trivial’s deep blue eyes. “Love… is a very odd thing…”
Trivial nodded. “It is…” he said and pulled Yuki down onto him even more.
“The world will hate us for our love, you know…” Yuki whispered into Trivial’s ear.
Trivial only smiled. “Let them… we’ll never need them as long as we have each other…”
Yuki smiled. Trivial was right. So what if the world wanted to hate them? They had each other and that’s all they needed… forever.
Trivial noticed Yuki’s silence. “You think too much. For now, just relax and enjoy yourself.”
Yuki looked down at Trivial. All he’d ever wanted was staring back at him with deep blue eyes. Finally, Yuki smiled and let the ecstasy of their night fill his mind and his affection for Trivial soar.

Issue13 - June 13, 2006 02:52 AM (GMT)
HINTS of yaoi? That was pretty solid yaoi. I mean, you can't talk about "hot bare flesh pressing against" someone without merely hinting at the yaoi. This is not a crime, though.

Now for my warning: There is some big crit in here. Don't read past here unless you are looking for blunt impressions.


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Your grammar is in need of some work. The story reads like a first draft due to misplaced punctuations. It has major impacts on the flow of the story. I found it difficult to read the entire entry as it was so riddled with odd commas and abrupt sentences. You also have an abundance of spelling errors. Your word choice is also misleading at times. For instance, if you grab someone by the throat and start killing them you are strangling them, not suffocating. Suffocation requires covering the airways and is caused by a lack of oxygen. Strangulation is caused by a lack of blood to the brain. Incorrect word choice has a way of yanking someone out of the moment.

That aside, I was interested in the story. Once Trivial passes out I was hooked in pretty well. Part of this has to do with the fact that you finally started putting enough description in for me to see what was going on. Your beginning was extremely rushed and it took a long time for me to figure out that your main character was in high school. After all, riding the bus makes me think of junior high.

Next thing that is pretty unsat is making your main character forget a major event that the reader was given full knowledge of. You had Trivial forget that Yuki basically rapes him in the locker room. If you have to do that, then at least tell the reader what the last thing Trivial remembered was before waking up in such a strange place. Then later Trivial remembers Yuki kissing him in the locker room, but it isn't like a sudden memory, it is something he remembered all along. Some basic confusion is caused by this since you now have him remembering and not remembering according to your narration.

The introduction of Trivial losing his parents came at an odd time as well. Perhaps detail the fact that he must get ready for school alone because his parents are dead at the very beginning. This will give the reader an understanding of why Trivial is so depressed to begin with.

Your opening dream sequence should function as prologue. Way more detail is needed here. You have a perfect opportunity to grab your audience from page one.

Yuki stabbing the angel with the sword is cool. It would be great to foreshadow the sword earlier. Perhaps Trivial looks at the sword as he explores the house for the first time. Just mention that the sword exists... you don't have to detail it. Then when Yuki guts the angel with it you audience will have more of a connection to the scene.

At one point you began to write about Yuki's emotions. Then suddenly you stop again. I would suggest that you stay away from his emotions unless you want to add them into the entire piece.

You crafted characters that were very identifiable. With a bit more intro and description of the character, I could probably even relate to Trivial. You moved the actions along well enough to keep readers with it. Plus, there is the mystery of the necklace... I certainly want to know more about that in part III.

I would say that this story needs a lot of work. You do have a good foundation. Best of luck and I look forward to reading the rest of it.




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