This was an assignment I recieved in my pyschology class this year. The assignment was to write a short story through a first person narrative through the eyes of a individual with a pyschological disorder. I decided to give it a go with what I call, "True Illusions".

I definitely wanted to make sure this story didn't make complete sense. I wanted an element of surrealism, an element of distortion. I also decided to blend a variety of different pyschological problems. Anyway, here it is.

------------------------------------------------



Umm. I'm not too good at these things. I feel awkward. Awkward to the point where I really don't want to be here anymore. I think I just might stop breathing soon. I always wondered if that would work. Just take in a deep, deep breath, close my eyes....and then exhale. Exhale all the air out of my lungs and force my brain to just not take in another breath. I've tried it before. Many many many times. Many times. Oh yes, many times. I always just end up with a red face and a pair of teary eyes, though. I don't know why that happens. With my eyes I mean. They just pour out water whenever I try to stop myself from breathing. I have no idea why.

I know its my fault. Everything, yes everything is my fault. It's my fault that I'm in here. I know it, my co-workers know it, my doctors know it. The whole world knows it. I'm broken. I'm very broken. I didn't want to be, but I did. I was sitting all nice and pretty and productive and intelligent on the shelf of life, and God just had to go and bump me off onto the floor. That's really what broke me. God accidentally knocked me off the shelf. Silly. My whole past can be described by that one, little word. Silly. But I really thought I was witnessing something big. Really, really big, really important. Something significant. Something that would make me significant.

Silly.

How could I ever be significant in anything? I should've known better. If only I had common sense, then I would've known. I think thats what really broke in me when God bumped me off the shelf. My common sense. My every sense. Everything just sorta seemed to....to alternate. Like one of those flashy neon-ad boards that you see in the city at night all the time, you know. How they just alternate between colors. Like, red to blue to green back to red. Thats how the past couple of months played out. Exactly like that. I thought I saw something, then another something amongst that something, and then something completely else....but it all turned out to be made up. And thats why I'm in here now. In this facility. I'm quite fortunate to be here. It's not as white as everyone believes it to be. No, the walls are more gray. Like a muted sort of gray. Like, what gray would look like if someone were to just yell “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” a million or so times to it. Thats what the gray of these walls looks like.

Exactly like that.

Oh, sorry. I'm not good at these things. I'm not good at anything, truth be told. I'm still trying to find something that I'm good at. I know I'm no good at all right now. I'm broken. How can a broken object be good at anything? If it was good, it wouldn't be broken; it'd be productive. That's what really defined my broken-edness. If that's even a real word. I don't know if it is or not. When I get out, I'll run it through spell check on my company's word processor. Oh. Wait. I sorely doubt they'll take me back now. No, not after what I did. You. You're probably wondering a lot right now, huh? Well you're not alone. Not alone at all. I'm here with you! I'm wondering a lot of things too.

Like....

Why am I doing what I'm doing right now? I guess its because its been 134 days, something-something hours, something-something minutes, and 47 seconds since my treatment began. And I'm getting tired of taking the meds, and getting tired of talking to Dr. Durkdandal. He's a nice guy, but I'm just tired of talking to him. I feel like talking to you. Although, I have no idea who you are. I wonder if you even exist. I wonder if I even exist. What's the measurement of existence? Do they sell a tool that can measure it at a retailer somewhere? When I get out, I'm going to look for one. That way I can measure just how much I exist. I'll measure you as well, afterwards.

Oh! I'm sorry!

It's been quite some time in our conversation. If you can call it that. You're....not responding to me. Just listening. That's fine though! That's perfect actually. I need someone who can just listen. For now, anyway. You can talk to me later once I get out, once I get fixed again. Just listen right now. Ok? Thanks. Anyway, as stated before, quite some time has passed. I'm afraid you don't know anything about me. I'll introduce myself. You can introduce yourself later, after the story, ok? Ok.

My name is Elth.

Elth Smithon. 19 years old, IT Oracle-certified database manager, former Okalon Inc. employee. I have blond hair, I wear prescription glasses, and last time the managers weighed me, I was about 132 el-bee-es. Like I said, I used to be an employee at Okalon Inc. You know them, right? They're a pretty large corporation. Right now, they're one of the leaders in the software development fields. Specifically on the scale of nano-technology. You know, really really really really really really really really real small computers. You need a microscope to see how small they are. You can use them in a lot of different things, although most of the technology now is rather basic. Nano-tech is really been only used to be woven into certain fabrics within clothes. Make them stain-resistant, add a GPS location to them. I even hear the military is making a strain of nano-tech vests that'll one day replace Kevlar. That should be impressive!

Oh, right, yeah. Anyway, while nano-tech remains to be pretty basic now, Okalon strives to change all of that! Our company currently develops a lot of the Operating Software behind most of these little machines, and we're always striving forward to develop a new sort of technology. Right now our main development is.....

Is.....

I really don't know. Ha. I'm not one of the software developers...nor am I a programmer. You could probably tell. I only have an Oracle certification. I'm only certified to be able to manage databases. It's an important job. I managed information for a small branch of our company. I can't exactly tell you what though, I could get in trouble. Sorry. Okalon has a strict policy of information confidentiality, and if I were to break that I might get moved to another institution called “Prison”, and I hear bad things about that place. That's where the really broken people get put into.

Anyway,

I spent a lot of my time within the office. I had good co-workers. There was Krent. Krent was nice. There was Elenai. Elenai was pretty. There was also Sari. Sari was kind. So was Gregor. They were all very nice. I liked them. I usually have a hard time meeting and socializing with people. It's been with me since my early schooling days. I just never really found a sort of crowd I belonged to, not even amongst the anti-social crowds. So, usually, I just kept to myself. It got sort of hard after awhile though. Now that I really begin to think about it, I've always been sort of odd. Ever since early childhood. Yes yes.

No wonder I did what I did....

Sort of paradoxical. Wanna know a secret? I really really really hate being alone. I was alone all of the time during my early years of school. Nobody was ever around me, nobody was ever my friend. I've never had a girlfriend either. I'm 19 years old and I've still yet to experience my first kiss. Thats a secret I never tell anybody. Consider yourself lucky. Over time, I just got used to it more and more and more. Being alone that is. I'd always sit by myself, I'd always walk home by myself, I'd always sit in my room and just stare into air and think and drink and spin around in my chair. I'd sometimes climb outside of my window and jump down onto the sidewalk, walk around my house three or four or twenty-six times. Sometimes I'd look up into the sky and stare at the sun, and have little contests with myself to see just how long I could stare directly at the sun before my eyes started to really hurt. That's probably why I wear glasses.

Sometimes, I'd try breathing at different rates. Other times I imagined what other people were like. One time I imagined that I was my dad and that my dad was me. That was interesting. Another time, I filled up my bathtub full of water, and I just started to pour random things from the refrigerator into it, just to see what would happen. Nothing too interesting did happen, except for me getting yelled at and for lots of different drinks being wasted. Those are just some of the things that I did, though. Just remember that. I did a lot of things. A lot of things.

But whatever I did, I did alone.

So keep that in mind. No matter what I did, I did alone. Over time I began to hurt from it. I never felt like I had a friend or a relative or anyone from anything. I'd watch movies, I'd watch television, I'd read books. Somebody always had someone, either as a lover or a friend or as a family member. Except for me. I began to feel afraid. I was wondering if I was broken, or if there was something really really really really wrong with me. Funny how I thought I was broken back then. Because I wasn't. I was actually quite normal back then. I'm broken now. This I know.

That's why I'm here.

I wouldn't be here if I wasn't broken. To get back on point, I grew up very afraid of always being alone. I was always alone up until the end of high school, see. It was actually for the better. The more I was alone, the more I could study. I spent all four years of my high school education studying computers and Information Technology and networking, and it eventually led me up to my Oracle training. Where I got a degree in managing computer databases; something that very few others get. That's why I was able to enter into a company like Okalon at such a young age of 19. See, once I began to work for Okalon, everything began to change. Really, it all did. My life completely turned around.

Really, it did.

Even though I was by far the youngest employee at this company, everyone around me was so friendly. I got myself a good salary. Enough for me to live in my own little apartment just a few blocks away from the office. Dad was so proud of that. I began to meet with new people, actually begin to talk to others. It was great! It's hard to describe. I felt as though all of my past was completely gone. All of those hours of self isolation where I'd do things like bash my head into the brick wall outside of my house just because I wanted to know what a coma felt like. All of those times where I'd just randomly break down into tears while I was studying over a book. Those days of vacation where I'd just sleep and sleep and sleep for days on end, because I knew I had nothing else better to do with my life. Even the days where I'd contemplate about just closing both of my eyes to run back and forth between the highway a few minutes away from my house. All of those days were gone when I entered into Okalon.

Gone!

I made friends with them all. Krent, Sari, Gregor, Elenai, All of them! And I'd be so effective at my job, managing all of the information I could using my certified skills of technological finesse. Everything was going like everything should. My long years of isolated studying had really paid off. I had a job, my own place to live, my own career, and a good amount of friends who I could finally relate and open up to! Everything was green. Remember how I said my past was sort of like one of those neon-sign board ads you see at night? Always alternating. Well, this was the “green” phase. When reality was green, when reality was good. When I was content, see.

And then....*click!*

Everything went to blue. Alternate, alternate. Everything began to alternate. And it all started when he began to enter into our office. He was old, gray hair. But not like the muted gray of these walls that confine me for my own good. No, this was the real bold vibrant gray. Like how gray would look if you were to yell “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” to a million or so times, but instead of staying silent, it'd go “No.”. And then get 50 times louder than it was before. That was the shade of gray in this man's hair. He had fierce eyes, too. Like a hawk or a wolf or a wolf-hawk or something. The crazy thing was, this man just sort of walked in. He wasn't wearing a business suit or anything. Very normal looking clothes. I have to wear dress clothes whenever I enter into work. Not a business suit or anything, but just a good white T-shirt and some khakis.

But this man. This man wore none of that. He just walked right in with a bright, burning cigar. Others seemed to look at him, but nobody said anything. Billows of smoke would pour right out from that cigar. My chest began to tighten, my body began to shake, and I'd cough from it. I'd cough alot. His smoke smelled so foul, so very foul, and he'd blow it everywhere. My very vision would begin to blur from the burning of the smoke. My mouth would run dry, my eyes would water, my chest would become like....like diamonds. Or something. Nobody else seemed to be affected by him though. Some would even just nod at him, and he'd just walk right by.

The only other person in the entire building who seemed to really say anything about his presence, was one of our janitors. Zeth, I think his name was. Zeth would just stare this man down the moment he entered into our building, and keep staring. Zeth himself was a pretty scary guy...one of the few I didn't know in the building. But everyone else I asked whenever I wondered about this man, just seemed to shrug him off. “Probably someone from the main HQ” they'd always say. But no one seemed to notice the same ferocity I saw within him, nobody seemed to notice the same vile edge I saw within him. Nobody.

Maybe Zeth. But nobody else.

This man was like...some sort of demon for me, though. Something was not right about him. Nothing was right about him. How could he just walk on by with a blazing cigar, dressed in such unkempt clothes? How could he just walk straight to the manager's office, get the manager out of the office, and go upstairs to where the CEO's are? How could he how could he could he could he have such freedom? I had to wake up early, comb my hair, take a shower, comb my hair again, fix my glasses, eat my breakfest, then get perfectly dressed in my work clothes. Always in that order.

Always.

Yet I see this almost feral man, with his foul blazing cigar, just walk freely all around the building. Unkempt. Unclean. Uncaring. Total disregard to my sensitive lungs! I...I thought it was so odd. Yes, I know you might be wondering if this man was real or not. He's definitely very real. I'm convinced of that. Others saw him as well! Krent, Sari, Gregor, Elenai. Zeth. Especially Zeth. They all saw him! But it wasn't important to them. They just thought he was just another person of high management walking through. But I couldn't understand it! How could he be a person of high management level? I was convinced there was something more. Yes yes, there was always something more.

Click! Everything goes....red.

What I'm about to tell you next is something that I now know is entirely false. Very false to every degree. But every detail I tell you, the process of how it unfolded, everything seemed entirely real to me. This was the point where God bumped me off the shelf. This was the point where I truly broke. See, after a few weeks of investigating and surveying the matter, I could not find a single piece of information on 'That Man'. He was ambiguous in every degree. I browsed through every database I could within Okalon's central network. Every database I had legal access too, anyway. Not one single piece of information. Not one. Single. Piece. Totally, completely impossible! If he was a person within the company, he'd have some sort of record. Some sort of file! Some sort of something.

That God-awful smell would always make my stomach curl. That cigar. That blazing, burning cigar. That infernal conflagration of crimson air pollution. Every smell it produced made me sick. Every time he passed in those short manner of weeks, I felt myself closer and closer towards throwing up. I eventually would throw up. I'd vomit. I'd have to run to the bathroom and fall on the floor and crawl to a stall. Energy spilling from me, nails scraping against the cold tile floor, body sliding. I'd go to a toilet and just....just throw up. Breakfest, lunch, dinner, supper. I threw it all up. But it wasn't just food and body liquid. No, I saw blood. Blood upon more blood, spilt out in the most vile of manner. Red blood, red blood everywhere. More blood than could possibly be in my body.

I'd keep seeing 'That Man' refracted within it all. Then I'd throw up more and more, ash and soot and bile and eventually organs. I was fading, I was detiorating, I was losing every physical aspect of my entire self. And it was all because, ALL BECAUSE of 'That Man' and his unkempt appearance and his wild grin and feral eyes and blazing cigar and I was convinced that everything he did, everything he stood for, everything he was doing, was bad. Evil. Horrible. Illegal.

Yes yes ye syes ystyes yes.s.s.s.s.s I was convinced of it. Seee, reality started to started to started to break down in front of my very eyes
and I couldn't imagine wh
y things were going the way they were.
Everythingwasnothingandnothingwaseverything.
I'd imagine things. I'd spy on my manager.
I'd learn his secrets. Every little one of his secrets.
I became obsessed.
Obsessed.
I could see 'That Man' and his plans, see.
It was a conspiracy see.
And I could see it so very very clearly. IT was so vibrant, so clear to me. But the pain would not go away.
And things just became more distorted

Much like they are now.

I threw up more and more each day. Eventually, 'That Man' faded away. As did Zeth. I wanted to know what Zeth knew. I almost became obsessed with that. I couldn't though, I was too busy spying on my manager. I couldn't spy on any of the CEO's, so I just settled with my manager. My ears could hear everything, and my eyes saw the unbelievable. Illegality. Illegality illegality illegality. My manager, 'That Man', the higher up CEO's. I was convinced upon seeing images upon more images, now broken and distorted in my chaotic memories, were all doing illegal things. Insider trading, extortion, exploitation. I believed 'That Man' was a man of the highest epitome of white-collar crime. My manager was conspiring with him on getting inside information on the release dates of software patents our competitors were going for. We were going to get our patents just days before theirs, so we could drive up stock prices and gain more money...somehow. I don't know. I couldn't understand it.

Alternated. Alternated to red, to green, to blue.

I couldn't make sense of it. Insider trading was highly illegal. I knew that. But I didn't know what I knew or anything of that sort and I don't make sense anymore to myself or anyone else. Everything became distorted became chaotic I even have trouble explaining it to you! I'm sorry. You must be so confused, so lost, but I can assure you that I was so much more lost and confused in this haze. See, soon I began to imagine that the tables of surveillance slowly turned. Where upon I was the one doing the spying, I slowly felt the presence of eyes. Eyes flashing and glaring and staring directly at my skin. Every breath that I drew, every step that I took, every thing that I saw. Someone was monitoring it. Someone was seeing it, someone was recording it. It was all being recorded, I was being completely survellienced.

It had to be 'That Man'.

Every moment I peered over my shoulder, I saw some man monitoring my actions. Sometimes it would be just a typical looking person, other times it would be someone in a suit. When I walked down the streets, it looked like just another citizen. A waiter. A cop. A taxi driver. A baker at the bakery, A parent walking their child, an office worker I did not know. But by God, by God all mighty, I knew that they were watching me. Stalking me. Spying on every move that I made. And they were all, they were all in league with 'That Man'. Nothing and no where and nobody was (or were?) safe anymore.

Then there was that looming threat of the issue being exposed. My company, my loyal and good company, the company that I had been lucky in getting hired to, was participating in some of the most highly illegal trade activity ever. If they were to get caught the entire company would go under! My building, my manager, my co-workers. We'd all go under! The CEO's would be safe, yes I would know. They could afford to conjure up an entire army of Johnny Cochraine clones. But me! Krent! Sari! Elenai! Gregor! We could not! We'd be fired, and then....and then....where would I go?

I was afraid.
Completely, totally afraid.

That everything and everyone that I knew and loved would fade away because of this. They would all get fired, we would all get split up. Sure I could probably use my Oracle database certificate to another company, but I knew it wouldn't be the same. No. It'd be like school all over again. No one to talk to, no one to see, no one to laugh with. No one. All. Over. Again. I didn't want to get in that situation again, I didn't want my past to repeat itself. No more cutting wrists or days of self-starvation ever again. No more hour-long cry sessions, no more cold medication over-doses, no more no more no more. I was done with it, I would never return again. Never ever!

I didn't know what to do. 'That Man' stopped showing up, but I knew he still had influence here. He was going to make it all fade away. He was the threat! He was tempting my manager, the CEO's, every person of the higher up to do all of these illegal activities! They were being seduced by the temptation of making more and more and more money. Raising stock prices, increasing profit margins, corporate espionage! Lord help them, God help me. I wasn't going to allow it.

So I stayed in the building until it became late. Really really really really late. Late enough for me to snoop around the area. I knew how I was going to save Okalon from the clutches of evil insider trading. I was going to break into my manager's office, and steal the hard drive from his computer. I was then going to go to the Networking room and command all of the computers to delete all information on every computer connected to it. Then, all I had to do was go into every filing cabinet within my manager's room, in the CEO's room, and every other high-up official within the building, and burn them. Yes, burn them. I had a lighter, and I knew where the janitors stored the key to their closet. I'd break in and grab a bottle of cleaner that looked flammable. I'd just make a giant heap of files and just burn it all.

I was going to save Okalon, see.

Purge it all. Delete everything, burn everything, purge every vile taint 'That Man' had left.

I was close, too.

I deleted everything,
Stole the hard drive,
Gathered all of the files,
And gotten some grease oil,
You know the oil that they use on squeeky door knobs?
Yeah. That stuff.

I had done it all. It took 4 full hours of work, but I had done it. All that was needed was for me to just burn it all. Throw the lighter from my hand, and that would be that. I was going to save Okalon, save my friends, save everybody by purging it all through fire. I would do what God did in days old of the past. Purge away all sin through fire, for the betterment of all humanity. For all that I loved. This is how I would prove to them that I did so.

But then he appeared. Smirking that wide smirk, staring at me with those feral eyes. 'That Man'. He started clapping, as if to applaud me. I was frozen, with the lighter cemented to my petrified hands.

“Nice try, kiddo. Nice try.”

That's all he said to me, and before I knew it, something slammed into the back of my head. I fell onto the floor. My consciousness flickered into nothingness, once again.

Alternating. Like a neon billboard ad at night.
Click~!
Everything went black.

I awoke here. This facility. On a white bed with blue sheets. A large window on one wall, a table in the middle, and a small unlocked door that had its own toilet and sink. I found myself surrounded by these muted-gray walls. They welcomed me. I stared up into that unfamiliar ceiling of muted color, and before I knew it, water began to pour out of my eyes. I cried. Again. Again and again and again, I cried. I was so confused as to what was going on, so confused as to what was real and what was fiction and what was truth and what was illusion. Was I simply living within a realistic fiction? Or a true illusion? Or was I some sort of surrealistic, ethereal being? I did not know, I did not know.

Dr. Durkandal explained everything from then on. I was broken. My mind, my spirit. God bumped me off the shelf. I know that much. For the past 134 days, something-something hours, something-something minutes, 48 seconds, I've sat in this little room. Dr. Durkandal comes to give me my pills, which I pretend to take. I spit them back out in my drink and then I hide them underneath my pillow. I have around 43 of them so far, just sitting underneath my pillow.

It's not so bad here. Dr. Durkandal is a good man....but I hate talking to him. He just gives me more pills and gives me food, and I sit here completely by myself. One-hundred Thirty-Four days, I have. Just sat here. In my room, staring out the window, looking at the outside of the facility. Chain link fence with armed guard patrolling all around. Occasionally I can walk around the garden, but I always need a staff member by my side. Sometimes I walk around the facility two or three or 36 times, sometimes I imagine I'm somebody else. One time I imagined I was Dr. Durkandal and Dr. Durkandal was me. That was interesting. I can do a lot of things around at this facility, actually. A lot of things, various things. But....

Whatever I do, I do alone.
All alone.
Again.

Perhaps I should take my pills. Perhaps....I'll take all 43 of them. At the same time. Right now. It was nice talking to you and everything, you're a good listener. I just wanted somebody to listen to me, just for a little while. So they could sort of understand this...broken, 'True Illusion' that I've been living for the past couple of months. I'm sorry I didn't let you tell me anything about yourself. Perhaps I'll hear from you later? Sounds good. Alright. Well, I'm gonna take my medication now. All of it, right now.

Good bye.






Epilogue.

“Greetings again sir. Would you like a light for your cigar?”

“Nah. I got my own, kiddo. Let's make this snappy.”

“Very well. Our company prepares to move to patent the Gelsion and Ikru OS's on January 23rd, 2027, at exactly 6:45 pm.”

“Too late. Halzion Inc. and Kuriyuma Co. are moving on the 14th. Hurry yerselves up a few weeks, get a spot at least 3 days before them. That way, the market can get all excited over yer new releases and whatnot. Okalon stock should go up quite a lot then.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you for the information. This is proving to be very helpful to our company.”

“Damn right it is. Fair to say, I'm making a bloody good killin'. Having 44% of the stock, after all.”

“Just one thing, sir....”

“Ehh?”

“The incident that occurred around 4 months ago....are you completely sure it's resolved?”

“Didn't I tell ya? I got deep connections with the head staff at the Wisp Mental Facility. Durkandal himself wouldn't have a damn medical degree if it weren't for me. That little employee of yer's is being given shit that makes ritalin look like baby-asprin.

Don't you gents be worryin' a damn little thing. Everything is going as everything should, and we'll all be really rich men once its all said and done.”

“Ah. If you assure us then, theres nothing to worry about....”

“Damn right there ain't. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe our business is concluded.

Bye.”