Heh, I just wrote this, took me a while, too. :/ I had to get all the wording right. ;) Anyway, try to guess the characters who the two characters are, one being obvious. (*cough* mine) I think I caught him (the other char) quite well. :) What do you think?
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The sun shines brightly, obscuring ones view with golden smudges. Finally, a building can be barely visable, only by the slight shade distinction of it's wooden wall between the golden growing wheat and the straw roof. Then something very odd enters the view, a dark figure, hardly noticable due to looking as if the figure is draped in shadow, even when there isn't any shade anywhere near. The figure seems to take slight form leaning toward a water barrel singularly distinguishable by the light blue pool of water in a barrel against the brown backdrop of the building. The person dips what now seems to be hands into the water, and splashes what now appears to be it's head with it, then it seems like it sharply looks to it's side, as if something caught it's eye.
"Who goes there?!" A new person, entering the scene, calls out. Standing a good distance away, from coming out from around the barn, he stares intently at the intruding figure, a staff in his hand albiet being young, showing that he's able to use it. His hair almost resembles the reacurring gold, his clothes being modest, but the look in his eye turns them into the grandest of clothes worn by any noble in existance... The feeling of the landscape seems to solely benefit him, the hills and hills of golden wheat insinuating the impression that the landsacape itself could both support him or lash out on his behalf if a situation implied.
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Well, you certainly understand the importance of visual detail. Very nice. What you suffer from now is a three-fold complex.
First off, you use the same words and expressions several times in rapid succession. Examples: "golden smudges" followed closely by "golden growing wheat" as well as "seems to take slight form" followed by "seems to be hands"
Secondly, you misuse words. Example: "a building can be barely visable" doesn't read properly. It sould be more like "building can be barely seen" or even "a building fades into reality" or "a building emerges from obsucrity" or simply "a building can be barely seen" Another example: "a staff in his hand albiet being young" does not use the word "albiet" in proper context. It should be something more like "a staff is at the ready in his hands; their youthful apperience belies their actual expertice." One more : "wheat insinuating the impression" imporperly uses "insinuating" Should be more like "wheat creating the impression" or "wheat seemingly whispering that the landscape"
Finally, learn how to use punctuation properly. Your one line of spoken diologue is not correctly punctuated. You are also coma crazy. Just because a sentance used like 5 comas does not prevent it from being run-on.
Got it?
You have a good measure of ability. Keep working hard. The story and setting are intriguing, yet they suffer from the shortfalls I just noted.
LEWI! XD sorry, couldn't resist after our last IM.
I was pretty much going to say what Issue was. From not reusing the same cult of words repeatedly. To practicing on seperating sentances instead of repeatedly using a coma.. But.. Since Issue already pointed all this out and how to fix it in a sense, I'm left shorthanded.
Rememeber that just because something is off or bunk about written art, doesn't mean it's ruined forever. Go back to what you have written and fix or compromise your mistakes. ^^ it also helps to reread, reread, and reread when you write something. Then, only then, become a grand perfectionist. Think to yourself, how could this be made cooler? and work with it.