Well once again i am here because i wrote a whole new story, i think you people will like it better since it's a bit more anime style, but don't get me wrong it is a triolgy i am working on. ANyway tell me what you think, this is the opening, never good at those but i am about done with the book, just want to see wat people think....


P.S. i know my spelling sucks, deal wit it :)


Chapter One


“Well here is my story of my life. You might find it boring but I’ll tell you anyway. I have a dad who is never home. Mom who is a worry freak and a stupid dog named Max. My name on the other hand is Jack. I am only fifteen and I just started High school last year. Well my grades aint to hot but that doesn’t matter. What really matters are the girls. Now this is a description of me so you get a mental picture. I have dark black hair and I keep it mainly short. I sometimes spike my hair but not lately. I keep it straight though so it looks as if it is going back. Anyway I also have brown eyes, I know blue is the thing but what can you do. I am fit, I guess. I don’t have musicals but I am skinny. Only around 140. I have light skin, so that brings me to my next thing. Nationality you may ask? Well if you can’t guess I am fully Italian. I have a few really good friends. To name a few Jake, Larry, and my best friend Kate. She is a girl but that doesn’t change the fact she is my best friend. We been friends for I don’t know how long but for a really long time. She is very pretty but for some reason we never went out. Well anyway I am into all different music. Lately it’s hip hop but I like some rock as well. It really matters on the mood I am in. Anyway let me tell you why I am telling you this.”
“I have a secret. Well it’s not to much a secret to my family or my friends but to everybody else it is. I use to call it a curse but now I think of it more as a gift. Well let me tell you how it all started and you can decide if it’s a curse or a gift.”


Jack was lying in his bed eyes closed snoring as loud as a trumpet. He was dreaming about a girl.

[In his dream.]

“Hey Kate what you doing here?” Said Jake and she turned around and smiled. She was a young girl, the same age as Jack. She had nice light brown hair and black eyes. She had long hair down to the middle of her back and had a perfect body. Jack blushed and looked down. He than heard a crash and looked up to see Kate replaced by a young man. He wore a dark coat that came down to his feet. He had a scar right across his eye and his coat covered most his body. Very thin and had spiked hair, long which was black. “Who the hell are you?” Replied Jack as he saw a new person in front of him.
The mysteries person smiled and pointed to Jack with his right hand. “You will be killed.” Said the person and than pointed with his index figure to Jack. Jack stepped back a step almost feeling scared. Jack than stood their for a few seconds and almost laughed. He was scared at a total stranger almost fifteen feet away pointed a fingerer at him. He moved a few forward but than was forced to stop. He was stunned as he saw three vines, from real plants come out from the coat and went straight towards Jack. They had sharp ends and they were green. Jack didn’t have time to react. Before they reached Jack he Yelled and woke up.
Jack slowly woke up. Everything was coming into vision. He was sweaty but that wasn’t the problem. He felt a heavy kind of force on his right arm. It started from his elbow down. Felt as if it was breaking down his bone. He raised his head slowly. His head was going around in circles. He groaned from being tired that looked to his arm. He almost screamed as he saw his hand was on fire. He fell to the floor and quickly got up. He kept swinging his hand around in the air but nothing happened. The fire was still on his hand and it was blazing. He slammed his hand on to the bed and then began to yell. He slammed his hand on the bed a few times. He than quickly fell to the floor on his knees and began to cry. The weird thing he didn’t know why he was crying because it wasn’t burning. It felt more as if it was a force taking away his energy. It was hard to figure out but he didn’t care he just wanted the pain to stop and then he opened his eyes and his bedroom light was on. He heard a “Squzzzz” sound and he looked towards his bed. He saw his dad trying to put out the fire on his bed with a fire extinguisher. He than looked towards his mother. She looked like she saw a ghost. She ran to Jack to see if he was alright.
“The fire…and the bed…and the guy with plants.” Said Jack rumbling threw words. He couldn’t get a full sentence out. His mother didn’t really care. She saw he was ok and hugged him. He looked towards his dad. He was breathing heavily, it must have been hard to put out a whole fire. Most of Jack’s bed was burnt to pieces. Jack quickly looked at his hand. It wasn’t on fire but still felt weak. He held on to it, next to his heart.
“What happen in here?” Said Jack’s dad exhausted. The funny part was Jack didn’t know himself. He couldn’t say his hand was on fire and it just went out when they came. He didn’t really know what to say, he was blank.
“We should talk about this in the morning.” Said Jack’s mother. Jack’s dad nodded and looked at Jack’s bed. Jack’s mother helped Jack to his feet and lead him outside of his room. He didn’t really need the support but he didn’t care. He almost tripped over Max. Max woke up and had his tongue out. Jack gave a mean face and turn back to his mother. He stood next to the couch as she was making it. He was more worried about making another fire then getting any sleep. He looked at his mother and she smiled. She finished and he laid down. She kissed him goodnight and went back up stairs. He knew she was going to look in his room instead of going to sleep.
Well he wasn’t about to fall asleep himself. He looked up at the ceiling wondering what exactly happened. He knew he was sleeping, then dreaming about Kate…than him. The dude with the coat in his dream attacked him. He used some kind of vines to attack him. What the hell was that exactly Jack wanted to know. There is no way that could have been real. Jacked laughed, “Yeah but either could fire spitting out of your hand.” He turned to his side and saw Max sleeping. He was tempted to close his eyes but than thought about setting anything else on fire. He wouldn’t but his family in danger. He kept his eyes opened and looked at the clock, reading 4:17 AM.


The sun came threw the windows and Jack got up from the couch. He yawned loudly, now cause he was well resting, more liking tired to death. He had black circles around his eyes and he was so hungry he can eat a cow. He walked into the kitchen to see both is mother and father drinking their coffee. He was surprise they weren’t talking about last night. He walked in with a big smiled “Good Morning!” Said Jack with as much energy as he could muster. He sat next to his parents and looked at them smiling. His Mom smiled back but his father was becoming a little afraid.
“Are you ok Jack?” Said Jack’s father and Jack nodded. Jack’s father went back to drinking his coffee and eating his bagel. Jack’s mother drank and than looked to Jack.
“Would you like to stay home from school today?” Said Jack’s mom. Now this was like a miracle. Staying home from school? With your parents permission? What’s better than that.
“Well” Began Jack but his father interrupted.
“I think Jack should go to school today.” Said Jack’s father. Jack knew this was to good to be true. His mother gave him a look and than looked back to Jack smiling.
“Well baby? It’s up to you.”
“I guess I’ll go.” Said Jack smiling and he got up from the chair and ran upstairs to get change. He quickly got into his Ecko dark colored Jeans and a red Ecko shirt with a rhino on it. It wasn’t his favorite style but he didn’t care it was comfortable. He put on his Plain black hat which coved most of his hair. He was thinking about getting a hair cut anyway. He quickly ran down the stairs and picked up his school bag. He ran inside the kitchen to kiss his mother goodbye and tell his dad to have a nice day. He grabbed a pastry and ran out the door. He walked down the street towards his school. He looked around, he was happy to be in this down. He lived in long Island New York. He didn’t live to far from the school so he would walk everyday to get some fresh air.
He quickly ate the pastry and began to walk faster. He forgot all about his math homework. So he thought maybe if he gets to school fast he can finish it in the library. He began to run to school. Sure he didn’t want to look like a geek running towards school so about a block away he stopped running and began to walk quickly. Math was a subject he wasn’t to good in so he had to do atleast the homework. His school didn’t hold to many kids, maybe 500 hundred. For high school that was nothing but he didn’t care. He reached the school door when he heard the bell ring. “Damn!” Said Jack out loud. Most people just looked and backed away. Jack tried to recover from the humiliation and walked quickly into the school. He ran up the stairs and ran into the room. He only knew a few people in the class but besides that he was pretty quite. He looked to a boy named John and sat in the desk next to John.
“How’s it been man? You been absent a lot.” Said Jack talking to John. John moved just his head to look at Jack and laughed.

damn u'll some mad cruel people... <_<

DMANNN UU NIGGAZ ARE CRUL!

COMMENTS!

The first paragraph bothers me alot. I know you said you aren't good at openings, but still.

If it doesn't matter, don't include it.

You could have left all of this out and it would have been a much smoother read. You can describe your charecter later in the story with a few better adjectives at a more conveniant time. No one wants to read a bunch of specifics at the begining of a book.

Same as the last part, this could have been re-written or left out completely.

RE-WRITE

^ That's where the story should start!

I'm not sure I see why you're telling us this to begin with. I think it should be removed.

Very awkward couple of sentances. They deffinatly need to be re-worked.

"This strange smililing man pointed at Jack and coldly said "You will be killed." Fear came over Jack as he retreated a few steps."

^ Certainly not the best way to put it, but it requires the reader to read less details that may or may not be important.


I actually like the story. I like where it's going and I enjoy this genre of writing. Just take a bit more time and try to think how this is going to read. Is it going to be smooth and flowing? Or is it going to be choppy and hard to understand?

You do good work. Post up some more.

OH YA, ok, thank u for the advice, will do.